Britians Brainiest Lord of the Rings character.
by rainbow-fruit-salad
Summary: A mickey take from the and itv show.I'm not very good at summarys, but please R&R as this is my first fic.:) hey! *new* now theres part 2 where sam gets to vioce his opions and leaves Frodo. please read.
1. part one of britains brainiest lord of t...

Disclaimer: these are not my creations otherwise I would not be bothering to publish it on the web, I would be making money.  
  
Note: if you do not come from Britain, or have itv, then this joke may be lost on you.  
  
Also note: For those of you who do not know what number9 tablets are, they are constipation tablets.  
  
Britain's Brainiest Character from Lord of the Rings (fellowship of the ring)!  
  
And tonight, please welcome, our contestants....  
  
Frodo Baggins, *applause*  
  
Sam Gangee, *applause*  
  
Gandalf, *applause*  
  
Legolas, *applause and cries of "we love you Legolas!!!" and lots of knicker throwing*  
  
Aragorn, *big sigh all round*  
  
Pippin, *every one laughs as he trips over the step*  
  
Merry, *applause*  
  
Gimli, *applause and waving of "nobody tosses a dwarf!" Banners*  
  
A-N-D a special guest tonight...the ghost of Boromir! *Silence, and a few polite coughs*  
  
"Well seeing as we have a very unorthodox- ahem, I mean special types of constants, we're going to have slightly different questions."  
  
At which point Merry pokes Pippin in the stomach and hisses; "your not meant to cry, that was yesterday!"  
  
"*Sob* oh,"  
  
"Anyway! Our first question today is;  
  
Who is the first to die after they have set out from Rivendell?"  
  
Pippin pounds furiously on his buzzer.  
  
"That's easy! Its Frodo!"  
  
People stare at him,  
  
"He is dead right?"  
  
Merry hisses: "No, that was in your DREAM last night," Pippin looks around, and Frodo waves at him,  
  
"I dunno Merry, he looks kinds dead to me!"  
  
"Yes Pippin, that's what you said about the cow, right before he charged at us,"  
  
"Do I need more proof?"  
  
Frodo beeps on buzzer.  
  
"That's got to be Long John Silver."  
  
People stare at him.  
  
"What? When I left he was alive, then all of a sudden I come back and he's stranded on desert island-"  
  
Presenter pulls her hair out: "The answer was BOROMIR!"  
  
Boromir scratches his head; "Oh cool! Now the tunnel bit all makes sense!"  
  
"Next question!" The now bald presenter calls desperately, "Who is the ring bearer?"  
  
They all stare about and scratch their chins.  
  
"Hmm, now I knew who it was a second ago! Oh, oh wait! Its on the tip of my tongue!" Frodo calls out excitedly.  
  
Aragorn slams the buzzer,  
  
"What ring to you mean? Because there lots of ring bearers..."he trails off and lists all that he can think of.  
  
Pippin buzzes madly,  
  
"I know it! I know it! Its Frodo!"  
  
"So it is!" exclaims everyone else. Pippin looks smug and settles down in his chair.  
  
"That's one point to Pippin. Next question, who saves the Fellowship from the evil monster, who tries to stop them crossing the bridge in the Mines of Moria?"  
  
Frodo, beeps on buzzer and shrieks out "ME!"  
  
Sam, Pippin and Merry also do like-wise.  
  
Boromir falls asleep at the sound of 4 bells, thinking its nap-nap time, Legolas thinks its time for his daily groom and begins to brush his hair, Aragorn gets panic stricken thinking the end of the world is going to happen, and Gandalf casually pulls out his nail art set from his beard and gets to work for a long overdue session.  
  
The presenter faints. When she wakes up someone new has taken her place and she goes in to therapy for the rest of her years.  
  
Meanwhile, the new presenter walks on and takes her place.  
  
"Next question, guys!" Her crisp voice makes everyone snap out of it and slowly gather their senses. "What does Frodo see in the water reflection in Lothlórien?"  
  
Frodo starts going round and round, like a chicken, on the floor "I should know this I should know this!" He mutters furiously.  
  
Legolas bleeps his buzzer and yawns slightly, "Easy," He says, almost bored, "His, ahem, reflection,"  
  
"Nope," The presenter says, staring worriedly at Frodo on the floor; who had now begun hitting his head as well, "Any...anyone else?"  
  
Gandalf taps his buzzer lightly, "He sees what he sees, and knows what he knows if you get what I mean, and mean what I get!"  
  
"Err...right, I'm just going to go to the loo, I'll be back soon..."And the presenter speeds out and everyone hears a door slamming; followed by a car driving away.  
  
After half an hour, everyone establishes the fact that's she not coming back and Gandalf gives himself a point.  
  
The audience decide that it's their duty to ask the questions now, so the boss comes down and picks people from the audience.  
  
"You, over there with the red hair!" 10 people point at them selves and say: "Me?"  
  
"No, the one in the pink and green top!"  
  
"Oh...me. Well, why do you, Frodo son of Drogo, I always wanted to say that!" She exclaims, "any way, why do you look like stuffed chicken in the film?"  
  
Merry beeps the buzzer this time and says:  
  
"Its because he been overdoing it on the Number9 tablets," The audience cringe in sympathy and stare at Frodo. Merry gives himself a point, feeling proud that he was the only one who knew that.  
  
"The one jumping up and down, with a builders hat on, an orange top, checked dungarees and a blue cat next to him," the audience turn round to face Bob the Builder.  
  
"Ahem, why does Sam never get fed up with following Frodo around and calling him master?"  
  
Aragorn beeps his buzzer and replies:  
  
"Well, when the first one committed suicide we just got another one from his family. So as soon as one hangs himself we just get another."  
  
The audience sigh sympathetically and nod to show that they understand, while Sam milks it for all he's worth and puts on the puppy dog eyes (Poor puppy). Meanwhile Aragorn gives himself a point, chuckling to himself that he yet again got out of the tricky situation of confessing that Sam is a robot.  
  
"Next question-"  
  
BEEP!!!  
  
The audience groan in unison,  
  
"Oh no! It's time for a break! But join us after to find out: WHO IS BRITTIANS BRAINEST CHARACTER FROM LORD OF THE RINGS? (Fellowship of the Ring)!"  
  
Music plays and adverts come on.  
  
*Dweeby man says:* If you liked this chippers audio, ahem, I mean writing, then you can read more by scrolling back up and reading it again.  
  
Or you could just post a review and I'll write more. Once I have 3 reviews I'll add another. If I never get reviews then I'll know that my talents are going to waste here. *Sniff and sob!* 


	2. Part two of britains brainiest lord of t...

Disclaimer: these aren't my creations. I never made them up. I just put them here so they could live a more funny life then destroying rings. Please feel free to enjoy!  
  
Note: this show is a real show, shown on itv. I know its, very sad to think that people actually watch it.  
  
Britain's brainiest lord of the rings character!  
  
"Welcome back!"  
  
*Slightly over enthusiastic applause*  
  
"Before the break the lord of the rings characters points stood like this:  
  
Frodo: nil,  
  
Sam: nil,  
  
Gandalf: nil- one point!" The boss shrieks after a look from Gandalf.  
  
"Le...Legolas: nil,  
  
Aragorn: one point,  
  
Pippin: one point.  
  
Merry: one point,  
  
Gimli: nil,  
  
Boromir: nil,"  
  
*More polite applause*  
  
"As you remember, our presenters, erm, well they couldn't, err...cope with the contestants."  
  
*Boos and hisses around the audience*  
  
"But now it's time for Round 2!  
  
The rules are as follows:  
  
I'll ask a question and who ever gets it first will then go on into quick fire round, understood?"  
  
Pippin shakes his head.  
  
5 explanations later...  
  
"Okay! First question, who is the dead dwarf, in the Mines of Moria, which causes particular grief to Gimli?"  
  
The audience look baffled as well as the contestants.  
  
Gimli buzzes, but then is to over come with grief to answer, and collapses in a heap on the floor.  
  
Pippin buzzes and cries out excitedly: "This is one of those trick questions isn't it! No one dies in the mines of Moria! Ha! I beat you this time, eh?"  
  
The audience decide to agree and look at the poor boss who was beginning to understand why the other two had run away.  
  
Gimli stutters out just in time "Bal...Balin"  
  
"Well done!" The relived boss cries, " One point to you and an extra point for every question you get right in the quick fire round, your 30 seconds start.... now!  
  
What name is the pub that Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry meet Strider in?"  
  
Gimli gathers his senses and cries "The Drooden Dogberry!"  
  
"Wrong, what shape is a hobbit door?"  
  
"Pass!" Gimli cries excited now,  
  
"What is Gollums real name?"  
  
"Um...um...erm...err...um...err...erm...um...erm...err...um...erm...err...Bilbo?"  
  
"Yes- no! Wrong, times up! You scored no points!" The boss says crisply.  
  
In 2 seconds his head is chopped off with an axe, the blood dripping all over the stage, with papers scattered everywhere (which Pippin is trying to read).  
  
The audience cheer and Gandalf turns the blood into wine.  
  
When everyone is sufficiently drunk, someone from the audience comes up to ask the questions. This someone just happens to be Bob the builder.  
  
"Now * hic * the second * hic * question is * hic *" He stumbles around the stage. Meanwhile everyone follows him with their eyes and are all soon fast asleep.  
  
When they wake up everyone has a headache, so they go to sleep again. The next time they wake up everyone notices that there is the headless body of the boss just lying there, so someone slowly rolls it off stage so that they can continue.  
  
A lady holding a duck umbrella magically appears and slides down the banister.  
  
"Hello, children I'm your new presenter--argh!"  
  
No sooner has she said this then an arrow hits her in the eyes.  
  
"Now children-" another arrow hits her, in her nose this time. "Oh, cool now I don't have to pay for a nose ring!"  
  
One final arrow hits her in the throat and she dies.  
  
Later there was a funeral, but that's another story. Meanwhile Legolas smacks hands with Aragorn and in unison they cheer out: "I've always wanted to do that!" Afterwards Legolas sneaks himself a point, thinking that he deserves one for saving the mutilation of young children's brains.  
  
The crowd ignores the dead Merry Poppins and suddenly realise that it's been a while since any questions had been asked.  
  
"We want questions! Boom boom!  
  
Wadda we want?  
  
QUESTIONS!  
  
When da we wan' `em?  
  
NOW!" The crowd boomed so loudly that Smorg (he's a Hobbit thing dragon) is woken up and comes to ask the questions.  
  
Since he has been conveniently shrunk he fits in nicely and smokes out a question, to the satisfaction of the crowd.  
  
"Who betrays Gandalf?"  
  
Aragorn goes bright red and hits the buzzer.  
  
"I...I'm very sorry Gandalf...but it...it was me." He hangs his head and avoids Gandalfs eyes, which were filled with tears.  
  
"How...how could you Aragorn, after all we've been through?" Gandalf chokes out. Aragorn shakes his head.  
  
"I'm sorry! I just couldn't resist Arwen!"  
  
"Look, can you do this somewhere else!" Pippin bellows. "Only we're TRYING to have a contest here! Some gays!"  
  
"The correct answer was Saruman.  
  
Next question!" Smorg puffs out, "Who is the Lord of the Rings?"  
  
They all look baffled, but after a pause Boromir beeps and says: "ME!"  
  
Frodo gets angry and beeps his buzzer and says: "NO ITS ME! I HAVE THE RING! Mwa hahahahaha!"  
  
All the other contestants think its them as well so they also beep their buzzers and shout out: "ME!"  
  
Frodo is hit with sudden inspiration:  
  
"We are the contestants who say...ME!"(Don't ask, it's a Monty Python thing)  
  
"Oh fag you lot! I'm off!" Smorg puffs,  
  
"The contestants who say...ME! Will not be defeated! Set the killer hamster on him!"  
  
Smorg panics: "No! Not the hamster! Anything but the hamster!" He begs at Frodo's knees, the audience hold their breath with anticipation...  
  
"Well, I'd like a Barbie Lip gloss maker..." Everyone stares at him, disgusted, "Well how else am I going to spend the time? And I'd like a...um...lets see, oh yeah a point! And I've just got to have one of those little chocolate things with the cream on top. Okay? Get them, or the wrath of the hamster will be upon you!"  
  
"Okay, sure thing!" Says Smorg, relieved at being rescued from the Killer Hamster.  
  
Once he's given these things to Frodo he runs out into the night and Lisa Simpson takes his place.  
  
"Well h-e-l-l-o gentlemen, this is the part of the show where I ask a question-"  
  
"NEVER!"  
  
"You don't say!" The sassy people in the audience call out.  
  
"Shut up... arch!!! Not the...it can't be... no not the hamster!!"  
  
Harry the hamster crawls on stage due to Frodo's order and eats Lisa.  
  
There's a big sigh all round, but Matt Groening just draws another to be used, so it's okay.  
  
"Well, seeing as there's nobody left to ask questions, why don't we do dares?"  
  
Everyone agrees and the first dare is decided by the director (yes, all this is directed).  
  
"Boromir you have lick the grimy stuff inside Gandalfs belly button out and eat it!" Everyone looks at Boromir in dismay, hoping that he won't actually go through with this.  
  
However Boromir is desperate for a point so he agrees and gets to work.  
  
People cringe and throw up as Boromir licks goodness knows what out of Gandalfs tummy. But he did the dare so he got the point (and lots of admires for his outstanding courage).  
  
"Next dare," The director begins, once all the clapping has died away, "Sam you have to jump in to a lake...naked!"  
  
Sam looks at Aragorn, wondering how to cover up the fact that he's a robot.  
  
"Um, I'll take the truth option,"  
  
"Okay, would you take the ring if you were offered it?"  
  
There's silence all around the studio.  
  
"Yes." Sam's answered echoes around the room into the dismayed faces of the audience. " Well, duh! What do `ya think I was gonna' say? No? Pah! Don't make me laugh. Now can I have my point, or not?"  
  
"N...not!" The disgusted director cries.  
  
"WHAT? I don't get a point for the only sane answer the whole entire show? Gandalf gets a point for spurting out insane nonsense! Merry gets a point for being a gossip queen! Aragorn gets a point for lamely covering up the obvious fact that I'm a robot! Gimli gets point for knowing his, like, uncle! Legolas gets a point for murdering an innocent baby sitter! Frodo gets a point along with Barbie-lip gloss maker and a poffeé! And Boromir, BOROMIR! HE gets a point for eating something out of Gandalfs belly button! And then I can't get a point for saying that I'd take the ring if I had the chance. Well Smorg was right! Fag you lot, I'm off!"  
  
"Bye!" Legolas calls,  
  
"It's okay Frodo, we'll get another one made." Gandalf comforts Frodo,  
  
"But I loved him! *Sniff* like a brother!"  
  
"Just let him go, Frodo, let him go," And with Sam walked out.  
  
"I can't believe he forgot me!" Pippin says: gob-smacked, "I just can't believe it."  
  
"Well, ahem, this is the end of a very, um, unique show. And it was a draw. But the audience vote that Pippin should win because he was the only one who answered correctly. So Pippin you win a holiday to Tele-tubbie land (another British thing) and a chance of going on `Who wants to be a Millionaire?' Good luck, and good night!"  
  
I hope you enjoyed it. Please r & r. even if it's bad. And say weather you think I should do another fic on `Who wants to be a Millionaire' with Pippin. 


End file.
